feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
