I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
