i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I just gift wrapped bread.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
‎"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
