Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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