Welp...herpes.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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