she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
