Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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