Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize