Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
