I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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