Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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