Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
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