I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
