The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
All the doctor said was why
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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