never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
