i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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