Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
