3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Randomize
