thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
