Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
