You think ghandi was good in the sack? cuz i sure do.
I'm not gay.
Soooo you want ghandi? is that what your telling me?
If ghandi gives good head...I'm in
Its fine.
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
