The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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