I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
