i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
