found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
