Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
