Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
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