his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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