it was like his penis was on wheels.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I have fence marks all over my body
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
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