I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
