i may or may not be watching the land before time
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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