I will die if light touches me.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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