I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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