I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Randomize
