Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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