i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
