Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
