we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
