Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
