When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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