my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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