Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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