I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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