why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Woke up backwards on a recliner
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
