You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
