Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
