Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
