After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
