if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
