Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
