Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
