I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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