i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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