He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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