It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
