He uses pillows to masturbate.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
