i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
its liver damage thursday
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