oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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