Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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