Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Randomize
