Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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