If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I need a beard to bite.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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